Honkers - Back off!

One of the most vexing experience of my life, just picture this. Waiting in standstill traffic with no place to budge, while the person behind you feels that honking continuously would magically change the signal to go, or create an exclusive path for the supreme entitled being that he/she is. Rules are not meant for them. They need to go somewhere ASAP, and feel that their destination is worth more than the scores of others around.

Just another view on Indian roads at peak hours 

So, this post is for such people who feel that honking is the answer! You might be one of “them”, in which case you would either be in denial of being one and hence you need to pay more attention to this… or you agree with what I say and hence feel the need to share this post to other honkers out there (He he… this is more than a strategy for higher views! )

Ambivalence is like a prevalent theme across mankind (why man“kind” ? maybe later). We as a totality are strife with contradictions. And usually that’s what we celebrate and cherish. That’s probably what made us evolve to dominate the planet (Yea right! And see what’s become of it). I guess people still have the primal need to fight, dominate and get through. Even if we no longer fight for food, shelter as did our cavemen ancestors, we feel the need to dominate the random person on streets through those honking wars. But of course most people would be in denial of their own inherent honker nature.

Apparently people have creative ways to justify their own behavior and consider themselves misunderstood. So, I tried to get into those misunderstood shoes of those honkers… Trust me, I tried. Hear me out…

India’s population is ~1.3 Billion and we account for ~20% of world population despite accounting for ~2% of land area! Now tie this up with noise levels out on the road. If a quiet office has a decibel level of 50 db, the busy road is 80 db. Now it there are studies which show that 5 db (16.66%) is solely contributed by excessive honking. This is huge! So I hope you agree that honking is something of a problem. Now about the people who actually honk… The probability of encountering a bigger honker than you, is extremely high right? And two negatives make a positive? So honking at a honker is alright and this automatically excludes you from the category right? Killing a killer leaves the world with the same number of killers, but killing more than one killers and becoming a serial-killer-killer is like doing the world a favor right? Or maybe the louder you are, you can dim down those “other” idiots on the road?

In an ideal switch traffic signal which lasts for 111 s, assuming that that cars takes 7.77 s to cross the signal and bikes take 6.66 s, adding 2.22 s at alternate vehicles for a potential time lag for safety reasons we can estimate that 22 cars and 33 bikes could go through peacefully. However, there are additional 4 cars and 7 bikes after the signal has turned who decide that “hey, it turned red *JUST NOW*, and hence its ok to cross. The ends up taking ~14 s from vehicles from the other lane who are blocked and thus irritating them. This “irritation” has been proved to be a definite instigation for a person to turn into a honker with a statistical significance of 0.00001% (I escaped).

Now about those who decide not to put on the indicator when they make a sharp turn… I guess they have telepathic powers, and hence assume that the other commuters also have telepathic powers to know that just because they are in the further left side of the road, they still want to turn right suddenly at the signal? Unfortunately, most people DO NOT have telepathic powers!

Of course there are some who are eternally lost and confused and turn on the wrong indicator! Ah, I couldn’t find a justification for this except “some people just want to watch the world burn”, or “just plain vanilla stupid” or as Aristotle said “No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness”. However, for practical reasons, I wish such behavior is monitored for a month before making the driving license permanent.

This summarizes some of my main on road concerns. I now realize that I should provide counter arguments, but I hope that the absurdity of these points bring those honkers to shame and starting tomorrow, everybody have an almost perfect road sense (99.99999% is fine)

People… chill out. Shift your focus from the horn to the brake maybe. Just for a bit. Patience… take a deep breath… Let them go when its their turn and your turn will definitely get yours. Let us try to be at peace and not just that, be a reason for someone else’s peace of mind too!

Note: Just because my other blogs are deep and full of symbolism, this blog is just about honkers, and NOT to be construed as an analogy for loud people who talk out of turn. The on-road situation should NOT be compared to any real life incidents just because life is a journey! :P

Sometimes, it takes "Pluck"

It was that numbing pain in her shoulders which was the only thing on her mind. Probably an effect of sitting all day in front of the computer, hunched and focused, coding away… 

Just a typical day at work.

She needed relief and instinct made her press and massage into the pain. This helped.

Now, just imagine that this was the only sort of pain she ever felt. The kind where you press over it, or rub over it and it goes away…

She was walking barefoot in the garden and stepped over a thorn and the pain just shot up and made her scream out and cry. She looked at the thorn and started massaging into it and rubbing into it because that was the only way she knew to make “pain” go away.

Logic should eventually catch up! And she needs to figure out that for this one, she ought to pull out the thorn to make the pain go away and not rub it. But ah… People are complicated little things…

Zombified to Zumbafied!

Let me tell you a story. There was a demure little girl, Rhea. She was considered to be a very polite, well behaved and smart kid who made her parents proud with her achievements. Be it topping her class, a brilliant elocution, debate, sports or a quiz. Life seemed great… but if there are no challenges thrown, something is definitely fishy. Rhea faced her first mountain in the form of dance. She had to participate in an annual dance at school. Being a shy kid who was probably not very open and free, she couldn’t match the grace and style of others in her class. Her teacher was probably exasperated of having somebody with stiff robotic movements on stage to represent the school! She would bring down the style and the flow of the entire choreography! Frustrations were thrown out freely. "Rhea! What’s wrong with you. Show some grace and expression. Don’t be like a zombie!"

This pushed Rhea into a shell. Dance is meant to flow through you with the feeling and connection of an expression. Rhea’s emotions to dance were now all about the fear of messing up the teacher’s show. She became an easy target for "harmless fun". She endured lot of insults, taunts and mockery for her zombie-like dance.

She went through all of this and somehow went on stage and finished her show. But something died within Rhea and she decided that dance was not for her. It was one of those situations where a bad experience makes someone bottle up those feelings, label the entire experience as horrible, and bury it deep underground.

10 years later… This incident was long forgotten in Rhea’s conscious memory. She grew up to be a wonderful and happy person with a great family and awesome friends. But without realizing, a part of her was frozen. It was almost like she took an oath to never dance in her life again. But how can you stop yourself from dancing? You listen to a good song and beat, your body naturally moves to it. Even if you don’t move physically, I am sure you are dancing in your head. But Rhea denied it and it made herself seem more stiff and stoic.

She was looking out for a new fun fitness regime when she came across Zumba. She was told that "It is more of a workout than a dance form. You just listen to the music and copy the instructor. You can do aerobics no? same thing. Just try". So she decided to give Zumba a try. Her initial day was so awkward. She felt cheated for having being told that it is not a dance, and just a workout. She considered quitting just because she couldn’t face the ghosts of her past. She was scared of being made fun of.

But in that studio, she realized that nobody was even looking at her. Everybody were just enjoying the music, following the instructor and doing their dance. It was not about precision and movements. Some were doing their move in the left, some on the right. It did not matter. Another girl moved in the wrong direction and crashed into the nearby person. But nobody glared, instead everybody just gave a cheerful grin and just continued their dance! The pace picked up and everyone just kept, jumping, grooving, shaking, kicking. 

The physical challenge of Zumba was starting to manifest. People started sweating and gasping for breath. But what was remarkable is that, the energy levels seemed to just increase with the rise in perspiration. Rhea was clumsily trying to match the class in the last row. 

Her teacher happily came later with a smiling face and asked "how was the class?". No more of "Rhea, you need to improve this step, show some life, no grace, bad posture", but rather, "How was class? Did you like it?" was such a refreshing shift. Rhea couldn’t deny the fun she had. She went the next day as well. And the next day… and the day after… Until she caught the steps and was now one with the class. There was something electrifying about looking at the entire class in the mirror of the studio, dancing with their hearts, with their movements in tune with the beat, the energy of the class was one. 

Nobody cared if Rhea’s elbow was at 90 degrees instead of 45, or if she did have the grace if a "dancer". Rhea just  let the music and movements flow through her and was eventually in tune.

Perfection happens after comfort. She was now at a stage where she was comfortable enough to correct her own movements and crunch, or jump, or squat or throw out her hands. The only comments her teacher passed in class was "Smile! Enjoy!"

The dance. It hurt. It made her arms ache. Legs to cramp up. A persistent body ache. But strangely, all this was something Rhea looked forward to. It made her feel fresh and vibrant! A day felt incomplete without her dance/workout. The best of relationships are made when you connect over some shared interest. She made great friends at her class who just encouraged her to dance rather than make fun of her for it!

You know the best part… Rhea suddenly got reminded of that box with painful memories buried underground and realized that it was dug out open, and that spirit within her was set free already! Her teacher, her dance friends had changed the world for Rhea by indirectly helping her get over the past. It was probably not even intentional, and they may not even realize that life turned around for that little girl who is now busy shaking a leg… "Shake it off… Shake it off"

PS: This post is a work of fiction and mostly a tribute to my new found joy in the form of dance and Zumba. Names, characters, situation, events and incidents are merely my imagination or used to convey a message. Any resemblance to people, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. However, I most certainly want to thank my Zumba teacher: Mr Leo Talstoy for making my day through his Zumba class. I am certainly not a perfect dancer, but I have been Zumbafied! 

Validated!

If I had a penny for every time someone told me, “Lets us validate this”, I could have bought myself the latest iPhone. In my 4 years as an analyst it turned out to be one the most recurring phrases I ever had to face.

However, looking back in the 25 years of my life, the need to seek validation from the people around me has always impacted a lot of my actions and interactions. Probably right from the day I uttered my first words which led to such positive affirmations from my mom, or my first step, or my laughter getting a cheer of response.

It held true during my school days as well. I would yearn to get those “well done” stickers, 5 stars, or earn a “Awesome. This is very good” from my favourite teacher. This is a great way of learning and an incredible way to grow and imbibe values. However, after being a “grown up”, I realize that a lot of us (including myself) are constantly seeking validation for their actions, thoughts and decisions. Even though the validation circle has shifted from a mentor’s “Good job. Proud of you. Go ahead” to a friend’s “Dude, I totally understand you.”

Validation is what drives us. And suddenly I realized that we seek validation because we are in an unfamiliar or a strange situation that we are not sure how to handle. I certainly do not seek validation from anybody to check if I have brushed my teeth right. But if I have tried learning a new song on my guitar and play it for somebody, I am seeking for validation.

Now, this is but one of the most natural thing to do. But I have come to understand that our ‘seeking for validation’ and the ‘approved/rejected’ feedback from the observer is happening at a very subconscious level. The impact of one on the other is very subtle but it stays in the mind. The feedback which you hear about yourself could make or break you without your knowledge. And likewise, you have a responsibility to "make/break" somebody else.

Two things here:

1. When you are the giving end of validation, it helps to do what great managers do: positive, constructive, actionable feedback which will help them grow. Let us spread love positivity, not negativity! :-)

2. Receiving end of validation and feedback is a little tough. Let me talk about it more...

Imagine a plain white board with your name on it. You come across a person who looks at your name and write a comment about it. 5 more people come by and write their thoughts. the next day, 10 more people come by and write their opinions about your name. Now the page is full. But people who come by, meet you and invariably end up writing their opinions on your page. This creates a strain and it is very hard to keep a track on whose opinions matter and whose don’t. I visualize my subconscious to be the very same.

This is not a “problem” per se. However, don’t you think it would be great to have a way to wipe the board clean for a better view on what is important and what is not? A way for us to hold on to the notes which matter and erase those which don’t? A way to just clear the mind and give it a fresh start the next day? A way to be conscious of my action while seeking validation and have the power over my mind when receiving some rejection and stay strong?

I have found a simple way! Meditation!

It has made me aware of myself and the power within me. It has made me more aware of the interactions around me where I end up seeking validation and has helped me remain strong when life shakes me up. In fact, even the fact that meditation makes a difference to me was validated by a friend who commented, “I bet you did your meditation today! It is obvious on your face and you look so happy, calm!”.

I believe this is one of the easiest way to be yourself and remain unruffled in this world that tries to fit you in a mould and ask you to change no matter who you are! :P

Try it!

Looking into a mirror

“The greatest treasures are not gold, nor jewels, nor works of art. They cannot be held in your hands. They're held within your heart. For worldly things will fade away as seasons come and go. But the treasure of true friendship will never lose its glow.”

Being a quiet soul who prefers to chill in her comfort zone, the loud romp show associated with friendship and hanging out seemed highly exaggerated to me. I continued to believe this way until I met my bestie. 

It was as unlikely as if the shy docile rabbit and the sly pampered cat, sworn enemies in nature have somehow broken the rules and became the best of friends...

I like to believe that sometimes, the universe conspires to bring friends together in a very meticulous planned fashion. Because there seems to be no other explanation for people being in the same vicinity for years, after which they suddenly find a soul mate and best friend in each other… while on the other hand, it takes no more than minutes for a perfect connection to click.

More than saying that they are “good people”, what I love about my besties is that I can just be myself. I know exactly how alike or how different they are from me. But it doesn't matter, because I totally love them the way they are, and there is a gentle reassurance that I am loved just the way I am. 

The sense of belongingness, and wanting to see them fulfil their little dreams, go out of their way to give them a reason to smile… go out of their way to pull their leg… but get fiercely protective when somebody not so close to the friend tries to pull the same joke (Only I can tease my friend… Who are you to say that about her???? )… 

It takes just a glance at each other to know exactly what they are going through. A wave of hand, or change to tone to know what is off. 

We watch out for each others backs. Lend that unquestioning supportive ear for a vent out… but wait for the heat to calm down before telling us that we need to pull our act together. Make them follow their dreams… Share common goals… Similar outlook on life… 

We often discuss about a variety of topics in the world from music, news, movies, space, philosophy, politics, art, nature, food etc, often without any concrete outcome… except to know that there is a soul out there who also thinks the way I do. Even if we disagree on something, its great to know that somebody respects these differences and we can still be friends… They have helped me grow and be a better person for sure.

I have no idea how my life would have shaped up without you!

I know why this sort of a friendship makes me so grounded… When I am with you, I simply feel like I am looking into a mirror… 

…Dedicated to my best friends!

Lehrein aayi

One of my all time favourite pass time in the world is to sit at the beach. People who have taken me to a beach will vouch for the even more silent version of Priyanka (which might seem impossible to some of you)!

Most beaches in India begin with me scrutinising the dirt and litter of plastic bottles, paper, and sometimes hop past dog/any other litter. It usually starts with me having the straight faced scowl.

But a few minutes gazing at the sea has a magical effect on me. I almost get mesmerised by looking at the waves come and go by. The way the come far out from the sea, crash into the sand, the white froth of disturbance which eventually dissipates, receding back into the sea, only to stop the incoming waves…

That wonderful salty cool breeze which is so characteristic of the sea… and the sprinkle of the waves flung out in the air which manages to reach your face like gentle caress…

I feel like I am witnessing the ocean breathe!

The vast expanse of water...Constant movement in and out...disturbances of crashing into the short...yet the flow of water making it so smooth... I guess its a property of liquids to change. I even get some sort of a joy twirling around a water bottle and watch the water move accordingly. Water cannot be rigid. It moves... So Magnify this experience of a water bottle to the sea! 

It makes me feel so calm and peaceful…

No wonder, one of my favourite songs is Lehrein, from the movie Aisha. “Lehrein aayi… Lehron mein beh gaye…”

The waves crashing into the shores might seem to be violent. But it is the incoming waves which makes the sand smooth at the shore.

The receding waves might seem like a goodbye. But they take care that the next set of waves to reach the shore are not too harsh to handle!

The waves looking so tiny far away in the horizon, yet makes me realise its power. The space… And coming to terms with the tiny speck I am in the massive cosmic creation…

The colours of the sky meeting the ocean… The way the clouds and sunlight reflects off the ocean…The creator of this world sure had an incredible artistic taste! Did He mean for it to be so beautiful when He planned to make the sky and the seas?

It seems to tell me that life will keep moving on…Everything in this world will keep moving, keep evolving…Yet, It will always be beautiful and graceful!

I feel the presence of something powerful at the beach. One side of the shoreline in occupied by a huge density of people… The other side continues to be (almost) isolated. At least in my personal experience, it remains an elusive mystery. 

Hope I can get inside you one day and experience the spirit of the sea, the wonderful life within you!

Come with me... or...

This post is a confession/self realization and a promise to myself to be a better person. Not saying that I am evil, because unfortunately in the relative scale of the world, I am a good person. But a honest and close look at myself shows me that I have been very selfish, self-centred, and not such a goody-two-shoes that I project to the world!

Life is confusing. There is always a battle within me.. doing what the heart wants Vs. living upto others' expectations. There are tons of material out there asking people to listen to the heart! Which is what I have been doing. I have suddenly had a chance to pause and look at myself from an outer dimension, impartial view… and I am uneasy looking at the implications of my actions.

Though I have an individual identity, I am a part of a society. Bound to few other people which brings in a variety of people and their opinions. Some of these relationships and bound and forced upon, while some of these are built on by love and care. 

In case of conflict between the inner desires and close relationships, I always choose my desires. I expected my loved ones to understand how close it is to my heart and give me my space (I don't care much for the forced and formal relationships).This was somehow taken for granted. 

But have you every wanted to reach out to somebody so dearly with all your heart. But see that your love is not being accepted and they have gone ahead embarked on some random journey without you. I have come to see that it is such a dampening feeling. A sense of losing the connection. The companionship will eventually fade away. Do I ignore them and continue my way... or do I compromise?

I don't have an answer yet...

I just have a sudden overwhelming desire to thank my parents for putting up with me for all these years. If I wanted to talk, they were there to listen.. If I wanted fun, they let me have it.. If I wanted to pursue a new hobby, they would encourage.. If I failed, they would motivate..If I wanted to sleep for 15 hours, I had it…If I wanted to stay up late at night, no questions asked!  It was always about me!! 

I never paused to think that I had everything I ever wanted and the love I could want...despite some of my actions making them unhappy...

Friends who stay with me despite my mood swings.. or serious looks.. not sure why I deserve so much of love

Brother who is always there for me.. Makes me wonder if I have been a good elder sister in turn.

And now, my dear hubby stuck with the most un-romantic wife ever in this world.. Lets me have all the space in the world ungrudgingly! Yet I am on the receiving end of all the love I can imagine...

What have I done to deserve this! I have no idea!

I guess what I am going to do going forward, is to make sure that I am in sync with people close to my heart. Show a little more love and gratitude… Carry them along… Join them on their journeys of the heart!

Heart over mind always! But I am going to pay a closer look and heed to the calling of people I love! Come with me... or take me along!