to die...or not

Purva hated her life. She could not believe that everything around her had gone into spirals. Something like a midas-touch of extreme bad luck. She dint know how to tell her parents that she had failed her Science exam. Not that it matters. They never spoke to her anymore and were too busy to care and find out if she was okay. The only company she had at home was her sweet lab “jaanu” who was run over by a car last week. She was choked and longed for the loving gaze of his brown eyes and warmth of his golden fur. No human ever seemed to give her the same feeling of being wanted. And now that her pet was in the grave, with him lay all of Purva’s hopes and happiness. 


 
She brought herself back to the real cause of worry. She who had always been at the top of her class now shamelessly has a red mark. True .. depressing.. but how does it compare to the fact that she has absolutely no friends. It was a free hour when her history teacher Miss. Nandhini was having an interactive session and called Purva to the board and asked the class, “Purva’s friends..raise your hands”. An uncomfortable silence. Not a single hand went up in the air. Oh..the embarrassment. She struggled so hard to hold back her tears that her head hurt. She missed her old friends and wished so badly that she dint have to change her school.
Purva wasn’t able to decide what hurt more.

 
Her parents would definitely be ashamed of her. They were disgusted with the way she handled Jaanu’s loss. And from then on, she had to bury her emotions. The wet pillows weren’t noticed.. how will they ever notice that she couldn’t cope with everything. After all, the only thing that ever made them proud of her was when she got the 1st rank. And since then, they took it for granted and any lowering of her rank was treated with a scrowl.

 
No. She wont be able to bear their reaction to her marks. The last thing she wanted to avoid was to be told that she is a complete failure by her own parents. But since it was inevitable, there was only one thing left to do. Last month her neighbour had jumped off the roof of a 3 floor building but survived the suicide attempt. What happened next was a worse tragedy to both her and her family as she was paralysed and bed ridden for life. The was her mother cried out loud and their shrieks were still fresh in Purva’s mind. As much as she was repulsed by it, she suddenly wished she could draw some emotion from her parents other than disappointment. Yes... sorrow and a sense of loss is better than being treated as a failure, decided Purva.

 
She couldn’t bear the weight on her mind. It was worse than anything she ever felt. She dint want to end her life, but neither did she want to live her life in this manner. She wrote out a note to her parents and walked slowly to their medicine cabinet, determined, yet in a daze. She took a look at it. Luminal.. a barbiturate used by her mother for insomnia and Tylenol..a pain killer used by her father. She knew the consequences of an overdose. It would cause sickness to the stomach, alter the metabolism severely, affect the breathing centre of the brain, cause seizures and death. And she was hoping the pain killer will eliminate the “pain” from her suicide. Purva couldn’t help but give a snide smile. One of the causes of her decision to die is helping her making it.

 
She is forced to snap out of her thoughts. The doorbell is ringing. It must be a courier delivery for her parents and decided to postpone her “work” and proceeded to open the door. Her shivering hand works the locks clumsily and she opens the door to find her parents stand in front of her! This was not usual. She could sense some hesitation between them as if they wanted to say something important. Purva felt she was going to pass out in fear but managed to put out the stone cold emotionless face that she became an expert at around her parents. But her farce broke when her mother came forward and hugged Purva close to her heart and patted her head softly. Tears welled up in her eyes for she had been so desperate for a sign of love and couldn’t remember the last time she was hugged. Her father came ahead and held her close in a warm embrace. Purva broke down... no words were spoken for a while. Purva had no idea how much time passed. It felt like eternity to her. Her father broke the silence with a word she never heard him utter “dear.. we are sorry. It must have been very hard for you coping up with jaanu’s death. Your mother and i watched you everyday bury that hurt feeling within you. We should have had this talk with you sooner. We got so involved in our work that we forgot you... forgot that all our efforts are ultimately for your happiness”. Purva was dumbstruck.. her mother gave a smile..wiped off her tears and said “we love you so much.. now wipe your tears.. there is a surprise for you”.

 
Purva was euphoric.. she actually heard it.. her parents love her. It filled that dark void in her heart. “ok.. one minute i’ll be right away”... without further ado, she ran to the medicine cabinet, shut it, tore the suicide letter and tossed it in the bin and hurried back to her parents who in their arms, had a tiny, cute puppy... life wasn’t the same ever again for Purva...: - ) : - )

generally..

Why do we generalise our experiences? Especially if its something negative.
“my friend dint even talk to me properly today..ruined the whole day”.. “he behaved so arrogantly today and spoilt my entire day”.. “the food is bad..this day is not at all going on well”.. “my colleague misplaced the entire file i gave him and i was blamed. The WHOLE WORLD is out to get me”.. “i dint get place to sit in the bus.. such a horrible day” .. “my mom cooked exactly the vegetables i hate.. she NEVER listens to me” .. “that girl..she is FULL of attitude and the MOST SELFISH person on this planet”

Haven’t we all heard people around us say this.. sometimes we ourselves do it. I wonder why we are so quick to make the few minor negative incidents in our day to day life the most significant ones and make that the title of the chapter of incidents of the day. Why do we give so much importance to the details that make us feel unpleasant? Isn’t it everyone’s desire to be happy? Yet our impulsive behaviour always takes us the other way. We are so quick in judging others, drowning in self-pity, caught up too much in ego clashes, and deliberately hunt out and find something to criticise in our near ones, etc etc.

But of course, there are some wonderfully pleasant people who do exactly the opposite and hunt for the faint glimmers of positivity beneath the bushel and bring it out for everyone to notice. They seem to be happy always and unruffled by anything around. They are loved by everyone. I consider myself very very lucky to know and be associated with people like that. They have taught me so much.

I have learnt to observe my thoughts closely and when i find some negative thought cropping up in my head, i just listen to myself and try to be aware of the cause for the disturbance. Over 50% of the times, just knowing what is making me tensed, relaxes me!! And then, i take sometime to accept the situation and restrict that negativity to that “moment” and not make it the summary of my entire day.

Next time you find yourself beginning a sentence with “generally, the whole day ....” and accompanied with negativity, put yourself on hold and look out for the glimmer of happiness beneath the bushel and bring it out to the spotlight!!

Life is great like this. : - ) thanks to all my teachers!!

Easy Vs Hard

Sudoku is one of my favourite puzzles and i make it a point to solve it in the paper every day. Those few minutes, of cracking the puzzle and filling in the numbers, is very much enjoyable. There are 3 levels of toughness: easy, medium, hard. When i take the 9x9 puzzle to solve it, obviously my aim is to finish it correctly and hence i loved to solve the easy level.. why? Simple. Because its easy.

But as i grew more and more comfortable with the game i moved on to the medium level and very soon, was able to crack the hard levels too. Agreed, the hard level was a lot more challenging, yet i was surprised when i found myself drawn to it equally, if not more than the easy level. The pleasure of breaking my head, looking at every logical way of filling in the numbers, sometimes taking hours, and finally after all that when i get the solution, it brings me happiness, and a lot more of it than solving an easy Sudoku within minutes. i get admiration from some of my Sudoku solving friends when i crack the tough level before them. Its a nice feeling.

On the other hand, i still enjoy the easy level even though i know that i can do it easily and that its within my capabilities. its not at all a big deal to solve easy when u can solve the difficult. But yet, i am still very much into Sudoku irrespective of the level.

When this observation came to my mind, i realised that solving an easy puzzle is really good for my ego. It gives a sense of satisfaction that i am capable and gives me the confidence to proceed to the next level. While the tough level is a big blow on the ego, makes me doubt if i can do it. But yet if i concentrate and finally come up with the solution, it feels like i am on top of the world!! : - )

This works just as well in other situation with varying levels of challenges. Once you are comfortable with the easy tasks, move on to the next level. Of course it will make you doubt yourself, but when you stick to it, and succeed, its a very beautiful feeling.

Ps: i’ll be starting kakuro very soon!! Wonder what lessons kakuro will teach me!! : - )

Think like a mathematician

Recently i got a hilarious message. It goes like this.

Power of mathematics: One day a box wasn’t opening. A lawyer came and applied all the laws but it dint open. A chemist came next and applied all reactions but it dint open. A physicist came and applied all the forces but it dint open. Then a mathematician came and said: “LET US ASSUME THAT THE BOX IS OPEN. What next??".

Lol! If anyone has studied engineering mathematics, they will understand the humour in the joke. Mathematics has never been my cup of tea. And ever since i was taught the subject by my “awesome” staff, dread and aversion increased. It was amazing the way we almost mugged up the steps in a moronic way without understanding the logic behind it.

We would be given an extremely complex problem and while we are breaking our heads as to how to proceed with the sum, sir would go to the board and coolly write these magical words, “let us assume that..... “. After that, it would simplify everything. Even though we were totally perplexed about why those assumptions are made and based on what logic we assume certain things. When we questioned our sir, he’ll simply say, “we assume this to solve the problem”. Wow! It used to get on the nerves of me and my friends when we faced these moments in our math class.

But as i observed this way approach, it was interesting that the step of assuming a certain relation led us to finding an easy solution that ultimately fits the requirements. That’s pretty neat.

A realisation stuck upon me. What if we applied this quirky method of approach in our lives? All of us would have faced these really tough problematic situations where we have absolutely no idea how to straighten up the mess. The big problem is that we are never convinced that we actually have the capabilities to face our problems and deal with it. And many of us shy away until the situation heights up to an emergency and we somehow do it in an adrenalin rush or something similar. 

Next time when we face situations like that, let us think like a mathematician. Tell yourself, “let me assume that I have what it takes to deal with this problem and I can overcome it easily with a smile :-) . now what next?? “. When you do so, all these positive affirmations will affect your mindset and your attitude towards the issue. Once you are convinced that you have it in you, your approach will be more inclined to finding the solution and much less time will be spent on self doubt. And once your mind is clear, you are open to finding out new creative ways of approach!

So friends, everyday look within yourself and take the mathematical approach whenever you find yourelf clueless.

Step 1: assume that the problem is a piece of cake and that you have it in you to eat that cake!! ;-)

Step 2: once you apply step 1 correctly, everything else will fall into place and a solution will reveal itself to you.

Step 3: put the solution into practice and be happy and SMILE!! :-):-)

Easy right???

Of course when you still reach a dead end, dismiss it as a “mathematical error” and move on!!

Hats off to all the wonderful mathematicians for giving me this insight.

(Ps: to my extreme anti-math friends, don’t bash me up after reading this!! :-) :-) )

Its all in the mind

Its 3 30 am, and Roopa just reached her home. She has had a very tough life for the last few weeks. She was really pleased with herself when she got placed in the top notch company during her campus placements. And why not.. after all, she worked extremely hard to achieve success. She took pride on herself for being able to push herself to the limits and no matter how demanding a task, to rest only upon its completion.
But this proved to be a major disadvantage at her work place. She realised that her “strengths” were being taken advantage of. Work load kept piling up and she gave it everything she had to finish it. And when that was over, she got found herself being given even more difficult obligations. And the cycle went on.. and she felt exploited at a certain point.
Moreover, she was new to the city and not yet totally used to the daily grind. The fact that she stayed alone in her flat, dint help much. Her work had taken away every single moment of peace. She had absolutely no time to socialise or even pay a courtesy visit to her neighbours. And needless to mention, she had no time for herself. Day by day, her company drove her to exhaustion, yet diplomatically convinced her to drudgingly go by the regime without any outward complaints.
Today, she reached breaking point. She hardly had any food the entire day(nothing new about that), had to be lectured about responsibility for something she wasn’t responsible, tripped in the hallway and earned scrutinising glares from her colleagues besides hurting her knee badly, had to go personally to deliver an “important file” and was directed to 4 different departments before which Roopa found the right office, and received a very elaborate sermon about why women are so inefficient and should never be allowed to do anything other than make rotis at home, got forcible involved in sticky office politics, by then she realised that her work id was missing and was yelled at by the security who found it...another lecture on her being useless and irresponsible. Moreover, she had to stay extra hours to meet the deadline for the recent project. She was promised a drive home but when she was done for the day(oops..night) , help vanished. Roopa had to travel at the witching hour all by herself and endure all sorts of lewd remarks from perverts. And by the time she reached her apartment, few bachelors looked at their watches and leered at her. She was disgusted with the way the day turned out. And as if to top off the misery with dessert, lift was out of order and she had to climb 17 floors with her hurt leg and frowned at the thought of it. She reached her door and wanted to just collapse of the bed.. on the verge of tears due to physical pain and shame. Somehow Roopa drove herself to prepare a small dinner and it was exactly midnight. She switches on the TV to watch the lottery programme and monotonously fumbles through her purse and pulls out her lottery ticket(one of her outlandish fantasies to win the jackpot and had made it a ritual to purchase a lottery ticket once a week)still frowning. The numbers are recited and VOILA!! To her amazement the winning jackpot is the number she is holding in her hand!!!
She does quadriple checks to confirm if the numbers and dates match...and IT DOES!! Roopa has indeed won the lottery.. whoooohoooo... she screams and jumps in joy...pushes away her plate, her “hunger” is satiated.. she is in hyper excited state.. actually even beyond that... she was totally charged and wanted to scream on top of her voice that she is happiest, luckiest gal in the whole world!!!! She just cant stop grinning:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Hold on a sec.. isn’t there any conflict in this situation, minutes ago, she was in dumps. She had a very horrible day. And moreover, her pain was physical to a certain extent. She hurt her legs, climbed a lot of floors, nearly starved for a couple of days. From where did she get this energy to jump and scream and do a couple of back flips!!
Is it just the lottery?? I think it has got something to do with the mind.
Think about it. If pain bothers people, why would so many spend hours at the gym everyday and go through strenuous physical drills? More than the pain, what matters is your attitude towards it.
I remember when my mother cut her finger badly through her finger nail while cutting vegetables. And that too on her thumb. Obviously she would have been in pain. But yet, she continued with all her work, cooking, washing vessels, serving food, tidying the house... without complaining... she had the energy and used it positively without wasting it on self-pity or sympathy from everyone at home. :-)
Not everyone will get a lottery during their cloudy days to show them about the “power of the mind”. Stay positive... because ultimately, its about how you perceive things. Its all in the mind... :-)

lessons from a baby

I recently had the chance to spend time with my baby cousin..and my bad luck, i havent had enough chances to spend time with new born kids. wow.. she is without a doubt the most adorable, cutest baby i have ever seen.. her tiny finger nails..the way she caught them in a fist..firm..yet so extremely fragile. she was sleeping when i first saw her.. her eyes closed, wonder what she could have been dreaming about because she looked so happy and peaceful in her sleep.. no troubles.. looking at her sleep in her cradle stirred something within me. and when she woke up... wow!! :-) her eyes had so much of life.. the way she looked at everything around her, looked at me and my friend.. she just grasped it... she was looking at everything whole-heartedly.. the simplest of things sent her into peals of laughter.. (for the first time i actually saw for myself why babies are called "bundles of joy"). a wierd funny face, strange new noises, bright colours, a gentle touch, animate gestures...all those coochi cochie's.. a newspaper, napking..even when she soiled her diaper.. everything made her laugh. it was such a wonderful moment for me to just watch a baby enjoying her life...
in that room which had 5 fully developed grown mature adults, that 15 pounds infant which has a poorly developed physical body, absolutely no knowledge about science, logic, happily ignorant about the evils of the "real world"..you could say the baby was the "dumbest" among the 5 grown up's..
yet without a doubt, when i took a look at the sparkle in her eyes, she was the one who enjoyed the present moment the most..it was so evident that she was happy to be alive, joy in every little thing.. she had absolute faith that she was being looked after by her mom, to be fed when hungry, cleaned when soiled, put to sleep when tired, she was certain that her whims and fancies will be entertained. :-)

20 years ago, i had that same spark in my eyes...that same unshakable faith that i'll be looked after.. something changed in all these years. lost faith in my parents, god...started blaming situations... but i still got through anyway.. had i just held on to that faith that im being looked after (which i realised, is true) , life will be much better.. :-)

its amazing that a baby taught me such a valuable lesson. :-)

Why am I doing this??

Hi to anyone who stumbles by this blog.. I have always been described as a very "quiet"... "silent" girl. Never believed that I might have something valuable enough to tell the whole world.. (not trying to imply that, thats what i hope to achieve through this blog though;-)

inspite of the new found confidence and enthu, it took a lot of prodding. this extremely unnecessary task of talking me into something i was not interested in, could be done only by a person who has a lot of faith in me. She is my teacher, role model.. it was only when i met her that i could believe that it is indeed possible for someone to be happy ALL THE TIME... she has made me whom i am. and when someone like her, tells me to do something, i simply cannot do it otherwise..

so..here i am.. no clue what to write further. but i guess i cannot fall short of "inspiration" ...its all around me... :-)

hope to reach out with my thoughts and let u know the under-currents of a "silent girl".