Validated!

If I had a penny for every time someone told me, “Lets us validate this”, I could have bought myself the latest iPhone. In my 4 years as an analyst it turned out to be one the most recurring phrases I ever had to face.

However, looking back in the 25 years of my life, the need to seek validation from the people around me has always impacted a lot of my actions and interactions. Probably right from the day I uttered my first words which led to such positive affirmations from my mom, or my first step, or my laughter getting a cheer of response.

It held true during my school days as well. I would yearn to get those “well done” stickers, 5 stars, or earn a “Awesome. This is very good” from my favourite teacher. This is a great way of learning and an incredible way to grow and imbibe values. However, after being a “grown up”, I realize that a lot of us (including myself) are constantly seeking validation for their actions, thoughts and decisions. Even though the validation circle has shifted from a mentor’s “Good job. Proud of you. Go ahead” to a friend’s “Dude, I totally understand you.”

Validation is what drives us. And suddenly I realized that we seek validation because we are in an unfamiliar or a strange situation that we are not sure how to handle. I certainly do not seek validation from anybody to check if I have brushed my teeth right. But if I have tried learning a new song on my guitar and play it for somebody, I am seeking for validation.

Now, this is but one of the most natural thing to do. But I have come to understand that our ‘seeking for validation’ and the ‘approved/rejected’ feedback from the observer is happening at a very subconscious level. The impact of one on the other is very subtle but it stays in the mind. The feedback which you hear about yourself could make or break you without your knowledge. And likewise, you have a responsibility to "make/break" somebody else.

Two things here:

1. When you are the giving end of validation, it helps to do what great managers do: positive, constructive, actionable feedback which will help them grow. Let us spread love positivity, not negativity! :-)

2. Receiving end of validation and feedback is a little tough. Let me talk about it more...

Imagine a plain white board with your name on it. You come across a person who looks at your name and write a comment about it. 5 more people come by and write their thoughts. the next day, 10 more people come by and write their opinions about your name. Now the page is full. But people who come by, meet you and invariably end up writing their opinions on your page. This creates a strain and it is very hard to keep a track on whose opinions matter and whose don’t. I visualize my subconscious to be the very same.

This is not a “problem” per se. However, don’t you think it would be great to have a way to wipe the board clean for a better view on what is important and what is not? A way for us to hold on to the notes which matter and erase those which don’t? A way to just clear the mind and give it a fresh start the next day? A way to be conscious of my action while seeking validation and have the power over my mind when receiving some rejection and stay strong?

I have found a simple way! Meditation!

It has made me aware of myself and the power within me. It has made me more aware of the interactions around me where I end up seeking validation and has helped me remain strong when life shakes me up. In fact, even the fact that meditation makes a difference to me was validated by a friend who commented, “I bet you did your meditation today! It is obvious on your face and you look so happy, calm!”.

I believe this is one of the easiest way to be yourself and remain unruffled in this world that tries to fit you in a mould and ask you to change no matter who you are! :P

Try it!